Asian American Dating Dilemmas (and How to Overcome Them)

In the online dating world, there are two universal “truths” that have been commonly accepted. One, Asian women are the most desirable and receive the most responses across all ethnicities. And two, Asian men are on the complete opposite side of the spectrum. Statistically, this is true.¹ However, it’s not as simple as saying Asian women have it easy and Asian men haven’t got a chance. In fact, sometimes it can mean the exact opposite. Read on for common concerns regarding Asian online dating and what can be done to help make it better.

Paradox of Choice? Why More Responses Equals Less Options for Women

Almost all Asian women can relate to the question, “Is he really into me, or does he just have an Asian fetish?” Just because they receive the most responses online does not mean those responses are pleasant or flattering. In fact, most of them aren’t. From the racist to the downright lewd, it’s easy for an Asian woman looking for a serious relationship to get discouraged and want to delete their profile forever.

The role of subservient woman seems to be tied exclusively to Asians, and their “exotic” status tends to turn them into hyper-sexualized beings among other ethnicities. This stereotype is not only offensive, but it perpetuates this mode of thinking that Asian women are good for flings rather than serious relationships. At best, it can be good for Asian women who want to date casually and for those who don’t let anonymous messages get the better of them, but what is usually the case is that it leaves a very sour taste when it comes to both Asian online dating and men in general.

To add to this, although they seem to be the most desired, that’s not true when it comes to men of the same race. When it comes to dating online, Asian men seem to have a preference for Latin women. And those that do want to date other Asians tend to skew to more traditional relationship gender roles, such as expecting the woman to choose family over career or to do the entirety of household chores without ever questioning the man’s authority.

So what can Asian women do?

All of this seems to point to the conclusion that Asian women should resign themselves to the prospect of daily online harassment to find the one or to settle for Asian men who will turn her into a subservient wife and mother. But that’s not true at all. In fact, countless Asian women have fantastic online dating experiences, including with other Asian men.

It’s easy to get trapped into thinking Asian American dating is all terrible when only focusing on the negatives, which is why it’s important to learn what goes into making a successful dating profile. Search for a website that uses some sort of personality test to learn about your interests in order to suggest compatible matches, and stay active with messaging and responding to potential romantic partners. Above all else, remember that dating is supposed to be fun!

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Less Still Equals Less: Why Asian Men Feel Dating is Hopeless

Asian men, along with black women, receive the fewest responses of any gender and demographic by far. According to a study published by Columbia University,2 women were 33 percent less likely to respond affirmatively to Asian men than to members of other races, and they were 60 percent less likely to respond positively to Asian men than members of their own race. In fact, with all other factors being equal, an Asian man would have to earn an additional $247,000 per year to stand on equal footing with his white counterpart!

It’s not unusual for men to have a harder time getting responses from women online. Indeed, it has been found that a man who sends a message to a woman his own age has a 4% likelihood of receiving a response to that message, compared to 17.5% for a woman messaging a man her own age.3 However, that number becomes even more dismal for Asian men. Having the stereotype of being lousy lovers and boring computer nerds certainly does not help, nor does the Hollywood habit of casting white actors in Asian roles because they are seen as more bankable, which can sometimes be interpreted to mean “more desirable.”

And when it comes to women of the same race, things don’t get any better. Asian women seem to favor dating white men, often buying into the same stereotypes listed above or thinking they will fall into the same patriarchal type of household they might have grown up in. It can be difficult for an Asian man to break out of this mold society has stuffed him into, and many are never even given the chance.

So what can Asian men do?

Again, just because statistics point demonstrably to one conclusion does not mean that every Asian man’s online dating experience will be exactly the same. And there are certain things that can be done to turn the odds more favorably, namely by creating a great profile and learning what kinds of messages women are more likely to respond to.

Asian American dating should not be an ordeal that makes you despair and feel undesirable. In fact, it should be the opposite! Persistence, patience, and understanding will serve you well in taking the first steps towards a successful Asian online dating experience.

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