Struggling to get over an ex? New York-based relationship expert and author Dr. Jane Greer reveals the best way to get over an ex.
If you’ve ever found yourself typing “how to get over a breakup” into an Internet search bar, you’ll know you’re not alone. There are hundreds and hundreds of people out there who are also searching for “ways to get back with my ex”, “does he still love me?” and “why did he break up with me?” If you’re cringing in recognition, don’t feel ashamed: we all do it. Having your heart broken is an inevitable possibility when you’re brave enough to put yourself out there and put your trust in someone else.
Getting over a breakup causes even the most calm and rational of us to experience total and utter inner turmoil and chaos, especially if it’s something we didn’t see coming. But when you learn how to get over a breakup or a divorce, it can prove to be the absolute best thing that has ever happened to you — once you begin to address four key aspects of yourself.
The truth is, getting over a breakup is a journey that requires time and love — from yourself, as well as from your friends and family. But this journey is going to take you from the depths of despair, where you think you are now, to the best and strongest version of yourself. Plus, you will have gained the power of clarity and wisdom for your next successful long-term relationship.
Here are the four spheres you need to address and heal so you can be ready for true love to come into your life.
Getting over a breakup by getting physical
Losing love can be similar to experiencing withdrawal symptoms from an addiction. So, relax, you’re not crazy: there’s a real bio-chemical reason behind your despair1. If you treat your heart’s loss as a true physical injury, you’ll understand that you need a combination of rest and therapeutic exercise to recover. Take it slow, but keep your progress steady.
Remember, romantic breakups cause actual sensitivity to physical pain2. Avoid any temptations to over-medicate yourself or drown out your sorrow by using drugs and alcohol. This not only detracts from your ability to heal, it actually burrows you further into a depression, as substances such as alcohol have a depressive effect on the brain.
Instead, turn your experience inward. Take five minutes out of your day to begin to meditate. Focus on your breath and be aware of your breathing. Let thoughts of your ex float in and don’t get attached to them. Simply observe that they are occurring and let yourself feel what you’re feeling. If you have to stop halfway to express your emotions — either to a friend, by journaling about it or even by crying — take the time to do so. This is all part and parcel of letting go.
Give yourself the permission to eat and sleep regularly. The amount of sleep you get or the quantity of food you eat is not the question here, it’s all about consistency. Make sure you’re consistent with your eating and sleeping habits.
And, finally, nothing beats away the blues like some good ol’ fashioned exercise. You don’t need a gym membership right away — although if you feel so inclined, go for it! Just make a promise to yourself to get out and and do something active for 15 to 30 minutes a day. If you are joining a gym, get yourself involved in group fitness classes which are both social and fun as well as good for you. Bonus: when you’re ready, you’ll have the added benefit of being able to post some amazing photos of your great new body on a dating platform like EliteSingles.
How to handle the emotional
The physical aspect of how to get over a breakup has a lot to do with the emotional. The mind and body connection are not severed simply because you’re in grief. In fact, your mind and body are more connected than ever before and this is why it’s so important to address the physical. These physical care routines you establish will help to soothe your emotional well-being and confront the despair you may be feeling in a healthy manner.
It’s absolutely okay to grieve. Allow yourself, first and foremost, to feel what you’re feeling. This doesn’t mean you need to call your ex five times a day and yell at them or send them nasty texts, but you should feel okay in expressing your anger or sadness whichever way you see fit. Start a journal and write out what you’re feeling, let the tears flow or make angry voice recordings. These bottled up emotions are literally toxic for your mind-body connection, so release them and you’ll be one step closer to letting go.
Don’t forget to incorporate lots of humor into your life too. Laughing with friends and family that love and uplift you or stacking up the comedies on your Netflix account are the best ways to stay present and light within yourself. Humor is a powerful healing agent and a wonderful way to remember that life is light and easy3.
Giving yourself a mental break
Of course, these emotional triggers have a profound effect on your mental well-being, and this is a big part of how to get over a breakup without going off the rails. If you can take yourself out of the obsessing chain you’ve likely got going on in your head for just a few hours, you’ll begin to heal over time.
See, the brain is a creature of habit4. In order to change the way we are feeling, we need to think differently. When you’re getting over a breakup, it can be tempting to obsess over your lost love over and over, analyzing what you did wrong or what they did. But none of that is in the present anymore – it’s all in the past.
So why not leave it there?
If you continually bring your breakup into the present by thinking about it, you’re simply making it true all over again. This is why you need to break the mental chain, as it were. When you replace thoughts of your breakup with other thoughts — of your friends, of things you love to do — you’re retraining your mind. When these thoughts enter your mind, you have full permission to say out loud, “Stop! No more! This is not serving me!”
Take a 60 second break by taking a deep breath and affirming to yourself, “I am safe. I am here. I can handle this.” If you have a pet, or if you have an animal shelter nearby, it can be very healing to spend time with animals.
How to get over a breakup by embracing your spirituality
The fortitude you will build by addressing the physical, the emotional and the mental aspects of your life will change the way you see yourself and your place in the larger world. Given some time, some love and some care, you’ll begin to see a brighter future in store. Ground yourself in gratitude by writing out what you have right now and all that you’re grateful for.
You may not feel like it, or even believe it right now, but given enough time you’ll be able to have clarity and peace about the relationship you thought you once needed. You’ll be able to see how it wasn’t right for you because you deserve true commitment and unconditional love. And this realization will help you move forward to find the one who’s meant for you on a dating platform like EliteSingles, which can match you to local people that share your values and preferences.
Something very interesting happens after an earth-shaking breakup: when you emerge on the other side, you’re stronger and clearer than ever before. This can really help you put yourself out there to find true love with someone who is absolutely crazy about you. It’s as though you’ve gone through a bad bout of flu and all that time you thought you were in despair, your body was actually getting stronger. After a breakup, it’s your heart that’s stronger than ever before.
Once you’re ready to get out there, you’ll be armed with the knowledge of what you want in a long-term commitment, who you are and what you have to contribute in a meaningful connection. At this point, it’s a great idea to jump in and immerse yourself into finding a commitment-minded partner that is going to be there for you, no matter what. EliteSingles can put you closer than ever before to sealing the deal, and the best part is that you won’t be doing it before you’re ready or before it’s right for you. You’ll be ready to find new love within our supportive community and form a bond with someone truly special…