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Perfect relationships may not exist, but beautiful, healthy, and happy ones do. They take work. They take time. And, they sometimes need a little help. Lesbian relationships are no different. Let’s take a closer look at some valuable lesbian relationship advice so you can make your dynamic work.
3 Essential Pieces of Lesbian Relationship Advice
A lot of lesbian relationship advice is all about finding common mistakes and preventing your relationship from falling into unhealthy habits. There’s a lot of info out there, which can make things confusing. That’s why we’ve broken it all down into three essential chunks. Here goes…
Don’t Call the U-Haul
There’s an old Lea DeLaira joke that goes, “What does a lesbian bring on a second date?” The answer? Well, it should be whatever she wants! However, the joke concludes with “a U-Haul.”
While it’s an old and crummy stereotype that says that lesbians always move very quickly in relationships, unfortunately, like a lot of stereotypes, there is some truth to it.
This “urge to merge” was apparent in the fifties and sixties. Serial monogamy was considered far safer than dating around, as more gay couples had to stay in the shadows. Though the urge to merge didn’t end then.
According to Dr. Lauren Costine, our society continues to tell women that being in a relationship is the be-all and end-all. When you couple that thought process with unfortunately too common internalized lesbophobia, you end up with U-Hauling.
Dr. Costine also adds that women release more oxytocin than men. So when we’re talking about two women in a lesbian relationship, there’s a lot more of the “love hormone” going around, which can lead to a relationship progressing quickly.
Even if at the start of a relationship you think you’re ready to make big moves, make a promise to yourself and your partner that you’ll take it slowly. No moving in together after a few dates, or even after a few months. Give yourself at least a year together before making any major decisions together, whether that be signing a lease together or signing a marriage certificate.
Ignoring Flaws Can Lead to Heartbreak
You shouldn’t be picking your partner apart, but it’s natural to notice some flaws. The question has to be, “Is this flaw a dealbreaker?” That question needs to be answered honestly. But too often, we can let things go.
There are several reasons we do this, particularly at the start of a relationship. For example, the thought that we need serialized monogamy, though not as prevalent as it was in the fifties or sixties, is still a thing we internalize. So, when we find a woman we’re into, we can sometimes write off flaws because we want the relationship to work.
Another obvious reason is something most new couples, regardless of sexuality, are familiar with: the honeymoon phase. It’s one heck of a drug that keeps couples starry-eyed for the first few months. At the start of a new relationship, your body is pumping out hormones and getting you hooked on love. When you throw sex into the mix, that attachment just gets stronger.
Eventually, the rose-tinted glasses are going to fall off. You might receive a rude awakening which can quickly turn into a breakup. After you’ve given so much time to a relationship, it’s going to hurt to see it end this way. However, this can be avoided if you’re honest with yourself earlier on.
Not all flaws are deal-breakers, and this isn’t to suggest you should run because you don’t like that she brushes her teeth in circles. This is to say, though, that you should listen to your head and your heart, not one or the other.
If there’s something that’s nagging at you about your relationship, or something just doesn’t feel right, there’s likely a reason for it and you should figure it out. Don’t brush it under the rug.
It’s Okay to Put Yourself First
Disappearing into your partner is a common problem. It’s crucial to keep personal boundaries in a relationship. Before you go into a relationship, you have hobbies, dreams, and goals. Those things can’t disappear just because you’re in a relationship.
The same goes for your emotions. Knowing yourself and being independent are goals that are hard to reach. It’s even trickier to do this when you’re in a relationship. If you’re not prioritizing your needs, you’ll end up asking yourself, “Do I really like this, or do I just like it because she likes it?” Questions like that are red flags.
If you’re starting to feel like you’re losing pieces of yourself, it’s okay to take a break and spend some time getting reacquainted with yourself. You and your partner are two individuals. A truly healthy relationship can survive while you explore yourselves, even if some of that exploration can’t be together.
If your partner needs some time to themselves, be confident that they still love you and give them the space that they need. Use that time to explore as well. Perhaps your partner realized that they were losing some of themselves, but maybe you hadn’t realized you’d lost some of your own self too.
Giving someone space is not the same thing as calling it quits on a relationship. It just means that you’re both in a place of comfort and confidence in your relationship that you’re not afraid of spending time apart.
A lesbian relationship, like all relationships, needs compromise. That said, be careful with what you compromise. Know that relationships take time, and it’s important that you give it the time it needs to truly grow, so you can maintain a real, healthy relationship for the long-haul, without the U-Haul!